


What The Hell Would I Be Without You?

by lukeinallhisglory



Series: Cake [11]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Coming Out, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Insecure Luke, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-03
Updated: 2016-07-03
Packaged: 2018-07-19 19:44:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7374928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lukeinallhisglory/pseuds/lukeinallhisglory
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The one where Luke is scared, and even though Calum is probably just as scared, he's willing to pretend to be brave.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What The Hell Would I Be Without You?

**Author's Note:**

> This one has been in pieces on my laptop, so I hope it comes together well. I feel like this stands on its own, but I would also be happy to make a part 2 and continue it, so let me know what you're thinking at the end in the comments.  
> Anyway, I don't own them, and what they get up to in their spare time is their business.  
> Title from "Sick of Losing Soulmates" by Dodie Clark  
> Enjoy :)

For me growing up had meant confusion. Dizzying confusion, and irreconcilable heartache. Music was a channel for pent up frustration; sexual frustration, frustration with the world, school, family. It was my escape.

And then Calum. When we first met it was just a childish crush. I wasn’t out and I didn’t want anyone to know. At the time, I couldn’t imagine ever being out. I didn’t even really consider it.

But we grew up, and we somehow lucked out and went on tour. And somewhere between the tours and the music, and all of the attention, Calum came out. And that’s when everything became even more tangled.

The night that he came out to the three of us there was a knock on my hotel room door. I answered it to find Calum standing there looking sleep ruffled, tired and prepared to say something. “Can I?” He asked, pointing past me, and I moved out of his way so he could come in.

“Why are you awake?” I asked him, following him to the sofa in the corner of the room and sitting down beside him.

“I can’t sleep,” he looked over at me, taking a deep, shaky breath in and out.

“Why not?”

“I can’t shut my brain off.” He was watching his own hands very closely.

“So why are you here?” I mumbled.

“Lukey?” He looked over at me now, his eyes smoldering

“Yeah?”

“I’m not imagining it, am I?”

“Imagining what, Cal?”

“I think I’m in love with you, and I think you’re in love with me, too. I can’t be imaging that, can I?”

I was silent for a moment, completely frozen. “No,” I choked out quietly.

He took a shaky double breath, like the first attempt to take in air had failed. “Ok.” He lunged forward and caught my lips with his, trembling hands reaching up to cup my cheek. I kissed him back desperately, and then pushed him away.

“I-I’m sorry. I can’t.” I stood up, moving away from him.

“Luke, please,” Calum begged. “Don’t shut down on me. Just, _please_ , stay.”

Tears streamed down my face. “I _can’t_ ,” I shook my head. “I can’t.”

He stood up and followed me over to the bed, reaching out to touch me as I flinched away. “I need you, Lukey. I need someone who will love me and protect me. I need you.”

“I’m not that guy, Cal. I can’t be that guy.”

“I love you!”

“I can’t!”

“I’m so scared, Lukey.”

“I’m sorry, Cal. I’m really sorry, but I’m not ready to do this.”

“When will you be ready? Name a time, and I’ll wait. I’ll wait for you.”

“I don’t know.”

“I’ll wait as long as it takes,” he shrugged.

“Calum, I can’t ask you to do that.”

“Do you love me?” His hand landed on my waist, tugging us closer together.

“Yeah,” I admitted, almost too quietly for him to hear.

He took a deep breath. “You won’t say it will you?”

“I’m sorry.”

“I’ll wait.”

And he did wait. He waited a year before he asked me about it again.

I heard the door to my room open and then close again, and I closed my laptop, tossing it aside, as Calum climbed into bed next to me. “Hi,” He smiled at me.

“Hi.”

“Look, I’ve been waiting. All year. Can you just tell me how much longer I need to wait?” Calum looked tired in the dim light of the one lamp that I had on in the room.

I avoided his gaze, feeling his eyes on my face. I let the silence hang between us until it was so heavy that I was crying, and I looked over at him. “I’m sorry,” I shook my head.

“Lukey, I’ll protect you. Whatever it is that you’re afraid of, I’ll protect you,” he murmured, wiping my tears even as more fell.

“I can’t do this, Cal.”

“Just say it,” he murmured, begging.

“I love you, Calum! Happy? And even though knowing that I’m hurting you is making me sick, I _can’t_ do it!” I pushed his hands away as they came to wipe my tears.

“Why not?” He asked softly.

“Because I told my parents when we were 14!”

“You what?”

“And they sent me to Christian camp to get it beaten out of me.” I was full on sobbing now, letting Calum pull me into his arms, against his chest.

“Luke-”

“Don’t,” I snapped. “You can never fix how much I _hate_ myself for feeling this.”

“I love you, Lukey. And if you need me to keep telling you that until you’re ready, I will.”

He waited 5 years before getting a boyfriend of any sort. And when he did, the first thing he did was come to me.

“If you’re ready to be with me, tell me, and he’s gone,” Calum promised, crouched on the floor between my legs where I sat on the end of the bed.

“I’m not going to do that,” I mumbled stiffly.

“I don’t care about him. Not like I care about you,” His eyes were wide and shining.

“Then don’t date him,” I said bitterly.

“Are you asking me not to?”

“I wouldn’t do that.”

“Do it, Luke. Tell me you don’t want me to date him.”

“It’s none of my business.”

“It’s completely your business!”

“Calum, you have to let go of me,” I reached out and cupped his cheek.

“No,” he said fiercely, taking my hand where it lay against his skin. “Not unless you can honestly say that you don’t feel anything for me anymore.”

“I can’t tell you that.”

“Then tell me to leave him.” He gripped my hips tightly, pulling me closer to the edge, closer to him. “Please, just say that we can figure this out, and I’ll leave him,” Calum begged.

“I don’t know if we can.”

“But you want to? Just say that you want to.”

“Of course I do.”

“Then we’ll be ok.”

“You’re going to leave him?” my voice cracked.

“Say you want me to.”

“I do.”

“Then I need to go take care of something.” Calum stood up, pulling me to my feet with him.

“Wait,” I held him in front of me, wrapping my arms around his shoulders. He pressed our foreheads together, arms around my waist. “I’m not worth all this.”

“Shut up,” Calum said half fond, half exasperated.

“Maybe you could learn to love him like you love me.”

“Shut up.”

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

“I know.”

“I’m afraid I’m gonna hurt you.”

“I’m willing to risk that.”

“I’m not.”

“It’s not your choice. It’s mine. I fell in love with you, and it’s my choice to pursue it. If you don’t want to pursue it on your end, that’s your choice.”

“I won’t decide against being with you.”

“Then shut up.” He smiled softly. I didn’t say anything, just looked at him. “I’ll call you later.” His hands moved to my waist as he pulled back a few inches.

“Where are you going?”

“I have to break up with him.”

“Oh.”

“I’ll call.”

“Ok.”

“Lukey?”

“What?”

“Stop worrying so much. I’ve already chosen you over and over. Going to see him won’t make me change my mind.” His hands framed my face, thumbs stroking at my cheeks.

“Ok.”

“I mean it.”

“I know.”

“I’ll call,” he said again, kissing my cheek and pulling out of my arms.

The phone rang an hour later, loud and intrusive, my thoughts instantly clouded by my anxieties.  "Hello?"

"I'll be there in 10 minutes.  How are you?"

"The question is how are you, Cal?"

He chuckled.  "I'm scared."

"Me too."

"Figured that," he chuckled again.  "Look, I'll be there in 10 minutes.  Anything you want to say, say it then."

"Ok."

"I love you, Luke.  You know that."

"Yeah."

"Ok.  10 minutes." And he hung up.  

The knock at my door a few minutes later signaled his return. My heart started beating more quickly than I can remember it ever beating before when I heard it. I closed my computer, noting my shaking hands, and stood in front of the closed door for several seconds, trying to breathe normally.

I opened the door and he looked at me for a beat, just grinning. Then he pounced, grabbing my face in his hands and pushing me back through the room, his lips pressed to mine. I absorbed the impact and let him push me back, trying to conceal my shaking hands. His hands grasped mine and he stopped kissing me, pressing his face into my neck. “You want this…don’t you?” He breathed quietly.

“Calum I don’t know how to make up for everything that I’ve put you through over this,” I murmured.

“I just want you,” he whispered back, pressing his lips to my jaw. “Nothing else to make up for.”

“I’m afraid that once you have me, you’ll find I’m not worth keeping.”

He sighed, wrapping his arms around my shoulders. “I’ve known you for 7 years, and I’m still in love with you. How long would it be before I decide you’re not worth keeping?”

“I’m just saying-“

“Marry me.” And it wasn’t a question.

“Yeah, alright. Now or generally?”

“Not right at this moment. Just…marry me.”

“I said yes.”

“I noticed that, I’m just trying to process it,” he nodded, eyebrows scrunched.

“Alright.”

“You said alright!” He beamed.

“Which time?”

“Shut up.” He said fondly and I smiled despite myself, pressing it into his shoulder.

“Every song has been about you,” I whispered, suddenly grabbed by the desire for him to know the truth.

“Mine too,” he replied, voice hushed with emotion.

“And if we’re gonna do this, I’m gonna need your help.”

“Anything.”

“I don’t like girls, Cal,” I whispered. It was the best I could do. The first time I’d said anything of that nature since I was 14.

He pulled out of my arms to look at me. “God, I know,” he smiled at me. “I know.”

“I tried, and I just can’t.”

“I know, Lukey, it’s alright. I’m so proud of you.” His fingers burrowed into my hair, rubbing at my scalp.

“And I _hate_ myself for it,” I tried to hold back tears.

“I know that, too. It’ll be alright,” he pulled me back into his arms, wrapping me up, rubbing my back soothingly. “You’re brave, and strong, and I believe in you. Just trust me,” Calum murmured.

“I’m gonna try. I’m gonna try because thinking about you being with anyone else makes me feel sick, worse than what I feel about myself, worse than my fears.”

“I don’t want anyone else, so you’re in luck.”

“God, am I lucky,” I agreed.

“I love you, Lukey,” Calum kissed me softly, gripping the fabric of my shirt.

“I love you, too,” I mumbled, pulling back a few inches to speak only to be pulled back in a second later.

**Author's Note:**

> I purposely didn't tag the marriage proposal, because I feel like that's a spoiler, so I hope I didn't scare you too much with that. Let me know what you thought with kudos and comments, and if you liked it, click through to my other stuff, too.  
> Otherwise, just keep on keeping on.


End file.
